Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Failing without trying any harder.

Those who have read my previous post titled 'My first challenge in motherhood...' will  be wondering, how did I do with my breastfeeding? Any luck? This post will answer the current progress with breastfeeding. 

It is Ayesha Amani's 20th day of life, and she started to get hungrier everyday and demanded more milk each time.  Every feeding time, I feel like I have failed miserably as a mother.  I said last time that I have progressed well with breastfeeding.  Well, I was wrong.  Yes she would latch on my left breast, yes she latched well on my right.  But she spent less than 1 minute on the left, ended up screaming, moved on to the right, spent quite a while there but still ended up discontented.  Everytime and I meant every feeding time this will happen and I am forced to make formula for her simply because I can't leave her cyring.  I didn't have the opportunity to try to console her and communicate with my baby girl, talk her into trying harder so that mum can try harder too.  This gets even more frustrating at night when she will cry for hours and the minute grandma make her formula she will stop.  As if formula works as her crying switch? 

Yes, so my baby is still fed with formula every now and then.  There's only so much breastmilk I can express in a day and they aren't enough to satisfy her growing hunger. 

My breastmilk supply is also lesser now, and I noticed that it has gradually decreased in quantity.  I will have more or less no milk at all when the evening comes.  Her short sucking didn't manage to help simulate milk production.  No demand, hence there's no milk.  It is as simple as that. Now I feel like giving up.  Give up to try harder.  So be it.  Am I quitting, when I never was a quitter?  That's what it feels like at the moment.  If formula is what she wants, formula it is.  Did I not try harder?  Is it too soon to quit?  These are the questions running inside my head at the moment.

As she drinks more and more of formula, Ayesha Amani started bloating.  She cries and she cries day and night.  I had the feeling the formula is not suitable for her.  But what do I do, I can't provide her enough.  She wouldn't have this problem hadn't she refused mommy's breastmilk, I thought to myself.  So I told my parents the formula may not be suitable for her, so we should try another type.  Today dad went to the pharmacy to get a different kind of milk.  He got Novalac, which he said is specially meant for baby with colic or digestion problem.  I am giving it a try, since I thought that I am left with no choice.  Or did I? 

Never thought all the joy before giving birth will disappear before me and I am left with adult matters that are more serious than fun.  I am not saying that motherhood isn't fun.  It is, you look at your beautiful daughter and you think the world of her.  You listen to her cry, and watch her smile, they mean everything to you.  However there are also choices to be made, problems to overcome and a lot of other things as well.  But hey, that's life. 


Omorfi Zoi said...

we become a better person everyday learning with them...keep it up

Diana Abdul Molok said...

yep.we struggle at first but things will be better, eventually,right? U know what's the saddest thing I experience with bottle feeding? The inability to bond with my baby. It's like I am not needed because anyone can feed her. Oh well, the feeling will go away and I am sure she will love me unconditionally anyway.